addiction. being tied down to something that you want but to the point that you cant stop
bj. repressing the past of bruce jr
ciggs. looking forward to the next
dumb.thinking that you are
exercise. having to
food. sweet tooth
girls. enough said
hatred. of so many things
introvert. crawling into the shell
judgement. cant stop
kada. hoping
lungs. black tar
mind. flooded and distracted by a constant rushing river of thoughts
nothing.
obedience. not being able to
perfection. the need for
quarrel. with the ones you love
regret. feeling guilty for things that you should or shouldnt have done
strife. with yourself
thankful. not nearly enough
understanding. thinking that you do
vacillation. indecisiveness
worth. trying to find
xpectations. living up to them
yearn. lack of
zeal. cant commit
Saturday, July 13, 2013
Saturday, June 29, 2013
fesa.
Dear Felisa,
How are things man? I miss you so much its at sometimes nearly unbearable. this life thing is fucking crazy. open eyes and an open mind... its scary but at the same time beautiful once the veil is opened up. its wild because i miss you so much but at the same time i know your always here with me. i feel your kisses in the warmth of the sun and your hugs in the wind. i love it man. i cant wait to see you again. i cant believe how this whole thing has unraveled for me. my Truth of the whole situation. you have completely opened my eyes to so much. but of course i know that it was not completely you... it is unbelievable how the universe works. i am so grateful to have the life that i was given man. no matter the troubles trials obstacles whatever i know that this is the story of bruce anthony barnes jr. i could have never fathomed the beauties of the world or the value of wisdom and life lessons without you felisa. you are such a fucking gem man. you were such a huge tool in the construction of who i am and i owe so much to you man. i love you so much. you completely taught me what love is. and i would have never understood this crazy gorgeous wild extravagant world if you were never by my side. i could express the amount of gratitude i have to have been able to call you my sister man. you were such an incredible person but you are an even better guardian angel man. patience man. you told me. im trying to grasp it. love trust forgiveness... not giving a fuck and going with the flow of your feelings.. you had such a grip on these things and i realize now how you have pushed these on me but i was always so stubborn... you have given so much to me and there is no way i can repay you unless i just stand up and change. you are the greatest person i have ever met and i love you so much felisa. dont ever stop pushing me to be my best. ever since we were little you told me i was the best.. you were always there for me cheering on your little brother and at the time i found it so embarrassing but now i would pay anything to hear those cheers again. relationships love trust forgiveness... its fucking crazy how much love poured out of you. no matter how bad someone would hurt you.. you never stopped loving them and were always the first to forgive and.or apologize.. dad hurt you the worse out of all of us but that never stopped you.. all those years that christa and i pushed him away.. you always pulled him in and comforted him.. he had no one except you felisa... but i promise you that he has rashonda christa and me now and forever. thank you for revealing how beautiful of a person our dad is even though ever thing he has done and whatnot he still is our dad and he has much to teach us. gosh felisa. you are absolutely amazing. you have touched ever single persons life whether they realize it our not. thank you for all the lessons that you taught me and are continuing to teach me. and most of all thank you for opening my eyes to the truth the and the light. you truly helped make me who i am. i love you so much.
mahal kita,
your brother
Thursday, June 20, 2013
what makes bruce real happy
-love
-people
-familia
-compadres
-incubus
-musik
-all mediums of art
-nature
-the small things
-deep conversations
-smoking ciggs in the sun
-ocean
-life
-jesus
-"changes"
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/2pac/changes.html
-people
-familia
-compadres
-incubus
-musik
-all mediums of art
-nature
-the small things
-deep conversations
-smoking ciggs in the sun
-ocean
-life
-jesus
-"changes"
[1]
Come on come on
I see no changes. Wake up in the morning and I ask myself,
"Is life worth living? Should I blast myself?"
I'm tired of bein' poor and even worse I'm black.
My stomach hurts, so I'm lookin' for a purse to snatch.
Cops give a damn about a negro? Pull the trigger, kill a nigga, he's a hero.
Give the crack to the kids who the hell cares? One less hungry mouth on the welfare.
First ship 'em dope and let 'em deal to brothers.
Give 'em guns, step back, and watch 'em kill each other.
"It's time to fight back", that's what Huey said.
2 shots in the dark now Huey's dead.
I got love for my brother, but we can never go nowhere
unless we share with each other. We gotta start makin' changes.
Learn to see me as a brother 'stead of 2 distant strangers.
And that's how it's supposed to be.
How can the Devil take a brother if he's close to me?
I'd love to go back to when we played as kids
but things changed, and that's the way it is
[Bridge w/ changing ad libs]
Come on come on
That's just the way it is
Things'll never be the same
That's just the way it is
aww yeah
[Repeat]
I see no changes. All I see is racist faces.
Misplaced hate makes disgrace to races we under.
I wonder what it takes to make this one better place...
let's erase the wasted.
Take the evil out the people, they'll be acting right.
'Cause both black and white are smokin' crack tonight.
And only time we chill is when we kill each other.
It takes skill to be real, time to heal each other.
And although it seems heaven sent,
we ain't ready to see a black President, uhh.
It ain't a secret don't conceal the fact...
the penitentiary's packed, and it's filled with blacks.
But some things will never change.
Try to show another way, but they stayin' in the dope game.
Now tell me what's a mother to do?
Bein' real don't appeal to the brother in you.
You gotta operate the easy way.
"I made a G today" But you made it in a sleazy way.
Sellin' crack to the kids. "I gotta get paid,"
Well hey, well that's the way it is.
[Bridge]
[Talking:]
We gotta make a change...
It's time for us as a people to start makin' some changes.
Let's change the way we eat, let's change the way we live
and let's change the way we treat each other.
You see the old way wasn't working so it's on us to do
what we gotta do, to survive.
And still I see no changes. Can't a brother get a little peace?
There's war on the streets and the war in the Middle East.
Instead of war on poverty,
they got a war on drugs so the police can bother me.
And I ain't never did a crime I ain't have to do.
But now I'm back with the facts givin' 'em back to you.
Don't let 'em jack you up, back you up, crack you up and pimp smack you up.
You gotta learn to hold ya own.
They get jealous when they see ya with ya mobile phone.
But tell the cops they can't touch this.
I don't trust this, when they try to rush I bust this.
That's the sound of my tool. You say it ain't cool, but mama didn't raise no fool.
And as long as I stay black, I gotta stay strapped and I never get to lay back.
'Cause I always got to worry 'bout the payback.
Some buck that I roughed up way back... comin' back after all these years.
Rat-a-tat-tat-tat-tat. That's the way it is. uhh
[Bridge 'til fade:]
Some things will never change
Come on come on
I see no changes. Wake up in the morning and I ask myself,
"Is life worth living? Should I blast myself?"
I'm tired of bein' poor and even worse I'm black.
My stomach hurts, so I'm lookin' for a purse to snatch.
Cops give a damn about a negro? Pull the trigger, kill a nigga, he's a hero.
Give the crack to the kids who the hell cares? One less hungry mouth on the welfare.
First ship 'em dope and let 'em deal to brothers.
Give 'em guns, step back, and watch 'em kill each other.
"It's time to fight back", that's what Huey said.
2 shots in the dark now Huey's dead.
I got love for my brother, but we can never go nowhere
unless we share with each other. We gotta start makin' changes.
Learn to see me as a brother 'stead of 2 distant strangers.
And that's how it's supposed to be.
How can the Devil take a brother if he's close to me?
I'd love to go back to when we played as kids
but things changed, and that's the way it is
[Bridge w/ changing ad libs]
Come on come on
That's just the way it is
Things'll never be the same
That's just the way it is
aww yeah
[Repeat]
I see no changes. All I see is racist faces.
Misplaced hate makes disgrace to races we under.
I wonder what it takes to make this one better place...
let's erase the wasted.
Take the evil out the people, they'll be acting right.
'Cause both black and white are smokin' crack tonight.
And only time we chill is when we kill each other.
It takes skill to be real, time to heal each other.
And although it seems heaven sent,
we ain't ready to see a black President, uhh.
It ain't a secret don't conceal the fact...
the penitentiary's packed, and it's filled with blacks.
But some things will never change.
Try to show another way, but they stayin' in the dope game.
Now tell me what's a mother to do?
Bein' real don't appeal to the brother in you.
You gotta operate the easy way.
"I made a G today" But you made it in a sleazy way.
Sellin' crack to the kids. "I gotta get paid,"
Well hey, well that's the way it is.
[Bridge]
[Talking:]
We gotta make a change...
It's time for us as a people to start makin' some changes.
Let's change the way we eat, let's change the way we live
and let's change the way we treat each other.
You see the old way wasn't working so it's on us to do
what we gotta do, to survive.
And still I see no changes. Can't a brother get a little peace?
There's war on the streets and the war in the Middle East.
Instead of war on poverty,
they got a war on drugs so the police can bother me.
And I ain't never did a crime I ain't have to do.
But now I'm back with the facts givin' 'em back to you.
Don't let 'em jack you up, back you up, crack you up and pimp smack you up.
You gotta learn to hold ya own.
They get jealous when they see ya with ya mobile phone.
But tell the cops they can't touch this.
I don't trust this, when they try to rush I bust this.
That's the sound of my tool. You say it ain't cool, but mama didn't raise no fool.
And as long as I stay black, I gotta stay strapped and I never get to lay back.
'Cause I always got to worry 'bout the payback.
Some buck that I roughed up way back... comin' back after all these years.
Rat-a-tat-tat-tat-tat. That's the way it is. uhh
[Bridge 'til fade:]
Some things will never change
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/2pac/changes.html
Monday, June 17, 2013
amp kapiffaknees
i am not exactly positive what i am supposed to write but i will give it my best shot. i guess you could say that i never really identify epiphanies as epiphanies, most of the time they are just see them as regular thiughts you know.. anywhoo that is neither here or there... so lets begin. when i sit back and ponder on the thoughts that i was pondering during our time back at camp, the first thought that firmly remember is that i have been neglecting incubus. this is no joke bruthas and sistas. it could happen to you too. its not like i was neglecting them in a bad way. it is always good to listen to other musik and open some windows.. maybe even doors... to other types of musik and mediums of expression. an open mind is a open home but dont get lost and forget how good it feels to be with your roots. idk i guess what i am trying to say is that it is good to branch out but dont forget what keeps you alive... from the roots of which allows one to grow... and this is incubus for me hahaha. incubus just... reminds me of who i am. note to self -- more incubus.
one second. let me just see what else i have inside my head that is appropriate to pull out in regards to camp epiphanies... oh yes... another epiphany... actually this one may be better noted as a thought than epiphany but whatever. ive been thinking.. i find it so wild being grown up and shyt. you know like where you are right now is becasue of you. when i was young i could never fathom becoming older. having to make my own friends. have to speak on my own behalf. feed and fend for myself. be out there and not in here. i dont know if im making any sense. i guess to me its just crazy to older. ya know as a youngster i remember pondering on what life was going to be like when i get older... like what i will look like.. or where im going to be... what im going to be like... what im going to be doing... and now that im older its just crazy.... when did this happen??? its nothing like i thought it would be... im still the exact same living creature that has just grown in different ways. its just weird to me... its weird that i am into school... its weird that im not in toledo anymore.. its weird that i know that i can do anything.
i hope non of you are reading my blogs because i jus seem to blab and blab about random ass shit man haha. i like these better than reflections and affirmations.
other apiffaknees...
- i could live with rob but we may go through too much tobacco
- i have a lot of shyt to do
- im sure every feels the same way
one second. let me just see what else i have inside my head that is appropriate to pull out in regards to camp epiphanies... oh yes... another epiphany... actually this one may be better noted as a thought than epiphany but whatever. ive been thinking.. i find it so wild being grown up and shyt. you know like where you are right now is becasue of you. when i was young i could never fathom becoming older. having to make my own friends. have to speak on my own behalf. feed and fend for myself. be out there and not in here. i dont know if im making any sense. i guess to me its just crazy to older. ya know as a youngster i remember pondering on what life was going to be like when i get older... like what i will look like.. or where im going to be... what im going to be like... what im going to be doing... and now that im older its just crazy.... when did this happen??? its nothing like i thought it would be... im still the exact same living creature that has just grown in different ways. its just weird to me... its weird that i am into school... its weird that im not in toledo anymore.. its weird that i know that i can do anything.
i hope non of you are reading my blogs because i jus seem to blab and blab about random ass shit man haha. i like these better than reflections and affirmations.
other apiffaknees...
- i could live with rob but we may go through too much tobacco
- i have a lot of shyt to do
- im sure every feels the same way
def of success
success is success
success is trying your best
doing what needs to be done
even if it isnt any fun
success is chasing opportunitites
even when you have a bum knee
making the best of what you can
even if it goes against your plan
success is a flow
i dont look at it as a goal
its more general
it will continue to go
with or without you so
choose to step in
or choose to remain out
its your choice and your voice
that'll determine your next route
success is like a mountain
a mountain that wont stop toutin
but you are a machine
that is programmed to succeed
determined to lead
no matter the obstacles that give heed
you have the power to overcome, obtain
and continue to proceed
but like i said you have the choice
to conquer or to quit
will you close the door
or choose to commit
ride down the chute
or climb outta the pit
to walk the road
of successfulness
success is trying your best
doing what needs to be done
even if it isnt any fun
success is chasing opportunitites
even when you have a bum knee
making the best of what you can
even if it goes against your plan
success is a flow
i dont look at it as a goal
its more general
it will continue to go
with or without you so
choose to step in
or choose to remain out
its your choice and your voice
that'll determine your next route
success is like a mountain
a mountain that wont stop toutin
but you are a machine
that is programmed to succeed
determined to lead
no matter the obstacles that give heed
you have the power to overcome, obtain
and continue to proceed
but like i said you have the choice
to conquer or to quit
will you close the door
or choose to commit
ride down the chute
or climb outta the pit
to walk the road
of successfulness
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
mi vahois
passion: what do you love to do?
- helping and creating
- fellowship with others
- musik, art, crafts
- seeking
talent: what am i good at?
- being angry
- persevering
- loving
conscience: what should i do?
- be selfless
the need: what needs to be fixed?
- spread of true love
"its not about who has hardest punch but who has the purest water"
- helping and creating
- fellowship with others
- musik, art, crafts
- seeking
talent: what am i good at?
- being angry
- persevering
- loving
conscience: what should i do?
- be selfless
the need: what needs to be fixed?
- spread of true love
"its not about who has hardest punch but who has the purest water"
rhesirch
so for all who do not know... i am working on a project with phame camarena entitled "personal motivations of 1st gen college students becoming phd's. ya kno i was hesitant to work with my brutha phame at first... i really loved working with amanda garrison... shes the phucking shyt man but that is a completely different story. anywhoo my first impression of phame was.. man this boi is a straight roller.. the director of honors?? but since then ive def warmed up to him. he is totally a cool individual and i am grateful for him for meeting on my way.
enough about my mentor.. on to the research. like i said i am looking for the personal motivations of first generation college students becoming phds.. the cool thing is that we wont really be looking for the personal motivations of first gen college students instead we will be simply asking them for their personal motivations. im pretty JAZZED for this project to get rolling cuz im a first gen student on the road to a phd and ive been trying to identify my personal motivation for pursuing academia. you see.. to mee im making one of the biggest decisions in my life and im finding it difficult to commit... its not that i do not want to or something like that but i just do not want to make the wrong decision. i feel like everything in my life shatters at some point and im nervous to make a decision that leads to a shards.. ya feel me?? idk im losing my train of thought...
oh yes... my project! so i am definitely excited to learn more about this subject as well as the qualitative research process.. if i become a researcher... which is fucking weird that i jus said that... i would rather be qualitative than quantitative. i feel like everyone enjoys qualitative over quantitative.. idk tho..
so how are you today? ive missed you brutha/sista. i hope that you are doing swell.. or at least swell enough to smile. you know its funny cuz i have always felt like such an angry person but no matter how pissed i get... i take that back.. when i feel upset sometimes all i need is a smile from someone to put life in perspective... but not jus any average smile.. one of those smiles that speaks to the soul.. those soul to soul smiles are the ones that make me realize how alive i really am.. ya know? idk im jus blabbing. lets jus agree smiles are good!
even tho i did not talk about my rhesirch much... i hope you got something out of my post. go with it and roll wit the punches but watch out for them haymakers cuz theyll knock your ass out..
enough about my mentor.. on to the research. like i said i am looking for the personal motivations of first generation college students becoming phds.. the cool thing is that we wont really be looking for the personal motivations of first gen college students instead we will be simply asking them for their personal motivations. im pretty JAZZED for this project to get rolling cuz im a first gen student on the road to a phd and ive been trying to identify my personal motivation for pursuing academia. you see.. to mee im making one of the biggest decisions in my life and im finding it difficult to commit... its not that i do not want to or something like that but i just do not want to make the wrong decision. i feel like everything in my life shatters at some point and im nervous to make a decision that leads to a shards.. ya feel me?? idk im losing my train of thought...
oh yes... my project! so i am definitely excited to learn more about this subject as well as the qualitative research process.. if i become a researcher... which is fucking weird that i jus said that... i would rather be qualitative than quantitative. i feel like everyone enjoys qualitative over quantitative.. idk tho..
so how are you today? ive missed you brutha/sista. i hope that you are doing swell.. or at least swell enough to smile. you know its funny cuz i have always felt like such an angry person but no matter how pissed i get... i take that back.. when i feel upset sometimes all i need is a smile from someone to put life in perspective... but not jus any average smile.. one of those smiles that speaks to the soul.. those soul to soul smiles are the ones that make me realize how alive i really am.. ya know? idk im jus blabbing. lets jus agree smiles are good!
even tho i did not talk about my rhesirch much... i hope you got something out of my post. go with it and roll wit the punches but watch out for them haymakers cuz theyll knock your ass out..
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